I Need An Audience!
by RazielLordOfSquirrels
Summary: The Joker's out of the Asylum- again- but even as he sets his eye on chaos and fun aplenty, a new sort of prison waits on the horizon...  Alternate Arkham City, minus the illness and possibly without the Hugo intruige.
1. Chapter 1

((So, decided to take a crack at writing once more; set this in the Arkham City section because I eventually plan on using that basic locale as a backdrop, but as you'll see, my story is going to be significantly altered in more than a few portions. Right now I'm just settling into writing again, so no pre-selected direction, but I WILL commit to this. Feedback is always appreciated, even suggestions if there's a particular character you'd like to see included, and I apologize for the fact that I can't begin a story to save my life; thus the sudden opener.))

The Joker was back, after yet another stay in Arkham Asylum... his last such stay, in fact, if the murmurs of coming changes in the air were to be believed. Whatever the case, he had made his dignified exit with the requisite amount of carnage left in his wake, and though he'd had to creep back to his safehouse on foot, he had entertained himself with the thought of the Bat spitting his lukewarm, unsweetened coffee all over the interior of his fancy car when word of the jailbreak reached his pointy ears.

Now his three lieutenants, the men who had kept his affairs in order during his recent vacation at Arkham, were clustered around the battered oak desk; seated in an old office chair, working with utmost concentration on blacking out the sides of a Rubix cube with a black marker, their boss seemed to be paying them no heed, and nobody was terribly eager to interrupt him. And so, for over fifteen minutes, there was utter silence, broken only by the light squeak of marker-on-plastic, the loud breathing of the Joker, and the carefully silenced breathing of the three others.

"Well?"

There was a moment of confusion as the three men glanced at one another. Sighing, the Joker tossed aside the half-finished cube and leaned forward just a little, his eyes narrowed and voice dropping to the low, slow growl that more often than not preceded very bad things.

"Isn't anyone going to ask how I enjoyed my time at Arkham?"

Suddenly there was an absolute chorus of questions and heartfelt inquiries, so many in fact that it was hard to make out what they were actually saying. The Joker seemed satisfied, however, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands behind his head as he basked in the death-threat-prompted love. After a few moments, he deigned to answer them, fingertips pressed together in front of him as he admired the room's decor. A shame he was going to be making such a mess of it all so soon; red wasn't really going to complement the drapes.

"Oh, I had a grand old time there, was an absolute spin," he chirped, voice light and cheery once more. "Those doctors went all atizzy trying to find out what made me tick... like that game hasn't gotten old already. Eternal optimists, they are. Well. The ones who are left. They decided that maybe if they gave me books on the law, it would teach me to obey it! Didn't work. Made a good bludgeoning tool when I was getting out, though, hardcovers'll do that..." A brief giggle passed his lips and his feet propped up on the desk. "Still, I happened upon a very interesting book they let me have, a do-it-yourself on how to make a successful home business, and it got me thinking." His fist slammed down on the table as he sat forward once more again, pointing at each of his men.

"This criminal empire is far too focused on fun and silly pranks and stunts to operate effectively. I've read through that book three times, and I think that what I learned there is going to bring Joker Corp in a new, exciting direction. I've outlined a three hundred and seven step program that will get us back on track and well on our way to whatever it is we're looking for. Have a two hundred and ten step program to figure that out.

"Step one! Consolidate the management hierarchy into a more efficient structure." Pulling his pistol from his inner pocket, he fired off a round, catching the lieutenant clean between the eyes and dropping him to the ground without so much as a squawk of surprise.

"Step two! Reorganize the assets to maximize productivity and minimize wasted resources." Another shot, and the second fell to the ground, leaving only one shaken man alive.

"Step three..." he broke off in an irritated frown as the third lieutenant, clearly expecting he was next, broke into a run for the exit. Tongue pressing to the corner of his mouth, Joker idly sighted down the barrel of his pistol and fired again, catching the last of his lieutenants clear through the heart with a spray of blood.

"Not. Finished." Propping his feet on the desk, he chirped; "Step three, promote the remaining man. Oops!"

Nearly five minutes passed before his howling laughter abated, and tears streamed down his face by the time the last guffaw passed his lips.

"Now, then, to get on to business... um..." glancing around the corpse-filled room, the Joker blinked. "Tough crowd. I can't work without an audience! [i]Batbait![/i]"

The man who had been waiting outside finally Riddled with more than one scar and mashed ears, it was clear enough why he had earned his title; this was probably the Joker's most loyal henchmen, as defined by the fact that he'd gone the longest without being executed. About three years, in essence. As a result, the man had tangled with the Batman on more than one occasion, and it was clear from his many improperly healed injuries that he hadn't been the victor in any of them. It was doubtful the Batman, or any of his little Batwhelps, would ever recognize the man... not even Joker could remember his real name, thus the monicker. Whether or not the nickname bothered Batbait in the slightest was uncertain, but the man rarely seemed preturbed... well, until now, at least.

"Surprised?" the Joker asked, a brow lifted as he gestured to the fallen henchmen. "I ask for a simple thing, one small tiny fleet of napalm filled zeppelins to turn Gotham into the true Hell on Earth, and they can't keep the Bat from tracking that down! And to make it worse, they told the Dark Blight whatever he wanted to know rather than throwing themselves upon their swords." He paused. "Well, then again, I did forget to give them swords. Still! They should have the basic self-sufficiency to seek out sharp, pointy objects to throw themselves upon. It wounds me, and takes the smile off my face..." He frowned sadly, at least as much as he could, and his voice dropped menacingly. "So I wound them.

"Now then!" Chipper once more. "You're hereby promoted to Chief Batbait. You'll get your own office and full medical coverage- you're going to need it. No dental, though... see?" A wide smile displayed his own decidedly unattractive teeth, hands wide. "But who needs teeth to smile? Just have to worry about chewing gum, really... now, where do we stand? I want all the details!"

"Uh, well, boss," Batbait murmured, still giving the corpses the occasional glance, "we're gettin' the word out that you're back on the scene, and we still got enough stuff tucked away to get back on track with-"

"Very interesting," Joker interrupted cheerfully, palms drumming on the desk as he switched topics. "Where's Harley?"

"B-boss," Batbait replied slowly, carefully; part of why he had survived so long. "You... you said... before you went to Arkham..."

"Riiight, right right right, she stormed out, tears, ugh, the tears. And the hammer. But it was funny!" He continued in a singsong tone, fingers waving back and forth, "Haarley the haarlot, Haarley the haarlot. Catchy, eh? Women are so sensitive." Musing over the mysteries of females for a moment, he finally shrugged, snapped his fingers and dismissed it. "Ah well. I'll send a heart in a box, win her back to my side. Batbait!" Hands planting on the desk again, he leaned forward a little, grinning wide as he surveyed the corpses of his former lieutenants.

"Fetch a bonesaw."

This time his laugh didn't end for a long, long time.


	2. Chapter 2

The Joker's crew hit Gotham's 42nd Annual Science Gala about midway through the evening, interrupting both the starved scientists who sought support for their pet projects, and the billionaire entrepreneurs who decided their financial fate. On the surface, this was a simple smash and grab, with considerably more emphasis on the 'smash' than usual. After all, there were certainly enough projects to ruin hereabouts; powerful, largely theoretical weapon designs; entirely theoretical alternate power sources; satellites to force precipitation on a given area and thus bring rain to drought-starved regions; something involving cats.

The chaos wasn't their real purpose here, of course, but that was the beauty of the Joker; he was the sort of man to storm a party for no other reason than to leave the lot of them cowering in their fine suits and ties, and wrecklessly destroy valuable property. Besides, when he got right down to it, he had to confess that this was more than enjoyable enough to make the trip worthwhile all its own... he just had to remember not to get too carried away. He was here for a concrete purpose! It was only fortunate that he didn't have to take care of it personally... instead, he could simply enjoy the experience, and have himself a good time. All around him his loyal minions were scurrying left and right, gathering all manner of gadget, gizmo and anything that looked like it might fetch a hefty price. Batbait was in charge of directing them throughout, moving amongst the ranks with crisp, military precision.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" the Joker called out, hands spreading outwards as a wide smile crossed his face, striking a pose on the tabletop. "How very kind of you to spare us a moment of your time, allow me to introduce myself! I am the newest Master of Ceremonies for this little soiree of scientific extravagance, and I hereby announce that the party has begun! If you will all be so very kind as to take each other's seats and cower beneath them, we will begin the festivities forthwith! Allow me to present the Games Organizer, Three Time Convicted Murderer and astouding Scrabble Player, Mort! Take a bow, Mort!"

There was certainly something entertaining about seeing the massive, heavily muscled criminal bobbing with as much enthusiasm as he could, clearly dreading the thought that his employer would think him unwilling to follow instructions. The moment he had finished the requisite number of bows, though, he began to call out instructions to the terrified attendees, telling them to relinquish their valuables, use the offered spray-paint to ruin their displays, and just generally set scientific progress back a decade or so.

"Oh, it's just not the same without Harley," Joker lamented, hopping down from the tabletop and slipping his hands behind his back. "Don't get me wrong, Batbait, you're a fine organizer, but I'd never think of squeezing you into a spandex outfit and giving you a giant hammer! And without the giant hammer, what happens if we encounter a situation requiring giant carpentry? Still, suppose we'll just have to soldier on, won't we? Now, where is the big toy... ah!"

On the far end of the room, a futuristic cannon was tucked into one corner, surrounded by diagrams and the same sort of cardboard paper displays you'd expect at an elementary school science fair. The various pictures and articles described it as a plasma cannon, some fancy new device intended both for eventual military applications, and even simple tunneling; an incomplete project, as the cannon fired only sporadically at the moment, and could barely warm toast in its current state. But either the Joker missed that part of the memo, or he simply didn't care...

"Helloooo gorgeous!" With a delighted giggle, the clown hopped up onto the large weapon, straddling it like a bronco. "All right! Make it go 'boom,' Doc!"

"B-but it's..." the project manager swallowed, wringing his hands as he stared wide-eyed at the hijacker. "It's still in the experimental stages! It only recently stopped being theoretical! It won't actually f-fire!"

"Then _make _it fire. I'm a reasonable lunatic! How long d'you need?"

"M-months! Maybe years!"

"Hmm. You have one hour!"

"But it's _impossible!" _the scientist wailed.

_"Get to work!"_

Paling, the balding man all but scurried underneath the 'plasma cannon,' starting to fiddle and prod at it with the occasional whimper or gasp. Whether he actually had some desperate plan in mind to make the device somehow, miraculously, work, or if he was just trying to look busy, hoping that some salvation would show itself if he could just buy some time. The men moved about the room, collecting wallets and jewelery from the terrified convention attendees, and securing the entrances; others were distributing weapons amongst themselves, ready to deal with any do-gooders that came about.

In time, Batbait emerged from one of the booths and shot the Joker a glance, nodding and signaling that their work was done. Responding with a jaunty salute, the Clown Prince of Crime waved his hand towards the exit, beckoning for his Number One henchman to get away while the getting was still good. The other dozen or so thugs were to remain here, with the Joker, providing whatever muscle was needed, and they began to gather up the pilfered memorabilia, wallets and jewelry, stacking them towards the exit for when they made their escape. Nodding with satisfaction at the pile of loot, the Joker stretched his arms out and gave a mighty yawn, glancing towards the clock and giving out a low, long groan; fifty eight and a half minutes left. This was going to be harder to maintain than he thought...

"Now, then, I suppose we've got some time to burn, don't we?" As Batbait vanished out the back exit, the Joker hopped off the cannon perched himself on the edge of a table, arms crossing over his chest and bloodshot eyes flitting from one end of the crowd to the other. His collection of duffel bags was just over his shoulder "All right, I spy with my little eye, something that is... blue!"

None of the terrified hostages could so much as utter a single word.

"Anyone? No? You've played this before, right?"

**"I have."**

The unfamiliar voice, just behind the Joker, had the clown's ears perking... too deep and self-assured to be any of these namby-pamby techies, but it certainly wasn't that gravelly voice he'd come to know so well. Even as the Joker braced himself to turn towards it, the voice continued slowly;

**"I spy, with my little eye, something that's... green."**

The Clown Prince of Crime spun around on the tabletop _just _in time to get knocked right off it by a giant, green... badminton racket. Sprawling on his back, legs sticking up from behind the table, it took the clown several moments to scramble back to his feet, hair askew, eyes slightly dazed... and when they focused, the Joker came the closest he had ever looked to being surprised.

"Why hello there!" Rather than dismayed, the villain seemed nothing short of delighted by the newcomer's arrival, and didn't seem remotely bothered by the fact that he was bound from the neck down in shimmering emerald energy. "I was actually kind of aiming for He Who Shall Not Be Maimed, but I suppose you'll do in a pinch!"


	3. Chapter 3

((Advanced apologies for my TERRIBLE Harley Quinn portrayal. If ever anyone wants to collaborate with me for her character, please, _please _volunteer. x3 ))

Less than five minutes prior, a certain ring-bearing hero passing on the outskirts of Gotham received an urgent call.

**"Lantern here."**

_"Lantern, Flash here. We're picking you up just outside Gotham, need you to get your glowing butt to a bit of a, well, break-in a few miles west of your location."_

**"All right, any idea on who's behind it?"**

_"According to security equipment? It's everyone's favorite birthday clown reject."_

**"...great. Batman on it?"**

_"He's still looking into that City business. Trying to reach him, but he's in full skulk mode, so..."_

**"All right... I'm in the area, I'll swing by to take care of it."**

_"Got it. Oh. Word of advice? When you nab the guy, gag him before you bring him back to the Asylum. Trust me, MUCH easier that way. This is not the sort of guy you want to let talk, ever."_

**"Come on, it really can't be that bad,"**

_"Oh, trust me; I got him to the Asylum in seventeen seconds last time I had to bust one of his stunts. Was sixteen and a half seconds too long. You'll gag him sooner or later."_

**"Sorry, Flash, but some of us are just made of sterner stuff. I can handle whatever some nut in a purple suit tries to toss at me."**

_"Bet you can't."_

**"Ha! Next three midnight monitor shifts says I get him to the Asylum without a gag?"**

_"Oh, you're going to regret this. You're on!"_

**"Piece of cake."**

* * *

><p>"Why hello there!" Rather than dismayed, the villain seemed nothing short of delighted by the newcomer's arrival, and didn't seem remotely bothered by the fact that he was bound from the neck down in shimmering emerald energy. "I was actually kind of aiming for He Who Shall Not Be Maimed, but I suppose you'll do in a pinch!"<p>

**"Afraid your usual dinner date's running a little late, Joker,"** the Green Lantern replied wryly, even as he kept a wary eye on the clown; **"I'm going to be your designated driver."**

The various minions and murderers were subdued even faster than their boss, and soon weresprawled in various states of senseless about the room; sirens in the distance promised imminent police arrival, but the Lantern wasn't going to take any chances with letting them handle the Joker's arrest. Even with the strange lunatic immobilized, he wouldn't have put it past the clown to pull some gadget out of God knew where... when he was certain no gases, acids or shocks would be forthcoming, however, he settled for coating the villain in a second layer of pulsing energy before lifting them both into the air, flying making a quick exit through the same side door Lantern had used to get inside.

In no time at all, captor and captive soared high into the sky, aimed towards the Asylum.

There was a brief silence then, almost as if the Joker was trying to figure out some appropriate conversational topic with a hero he had probably only encountered a handful of times, at the very most. When he spoke again, though, he sounded perfectly cheery, despite the fact that he was being carried thirty stories above the ground.

"So what's shakin'? Play God lately? Or was that one of the other chisel-jawed ring jockeys zipping around? Which one _are _you again? I mean, at least Twinkle Toes Number One had the decency to get himself vanished 'fore Twinkle Toes Number Two sauntered up to the plate! Don't get me started on Three... then two came back... or was it one... for a two-bit chump chowder, you've got a lot of wannabe chump chowder chompers, don't you?"

**"You're just sore because you went down faster than a purse snatcher. Could I do that if I was a chump?"**

"Don't kid yourself Bling Boy; when it gets right down to it, you're only saved from the bottom of the pile by Aquaman, and you know it." Giggling between his teeth, the clown went on; "Super shiny alien technology, all that fanciful training, all so you could become one of about a bajillion other members of your little fan club."

With every word, the clown's voice was changing, subtly, losing its light fluff and growing more dire by the second, and despite his earlier intentions, the hero was getting increasingly unnerved. "When you were a brat, it was decoder rings at the bottom of a cereal box; this isn't any different now, is it? Suuuure, the rings today were invented in another galaxy and can call a giant green pair of sissors out of thin air, but without it... what'd you be? Least Bats can throw a punch! Face it, kiddo, if the League of Do-Gooders were the Beatles, well, you'd be Ringo."

Joker sounded like he was going to go on, but he suddenly halted mid-word, giving out a long peal of laughter.

"RINGO! I didn't even consider how perfect that was! Bwaaahahahahaha!"

**"Oh, for..."** it was pretty clear that Lantern was beginning to regret the little bet he had made, but he remained stubborn, a bit of a smirk crossing his face as he kept his eyes pointed, determinately, towards the horizon. **"We'll see if you're still lauging when you see what they've got waiting for you back at the Asylum."**

"See if I'm still _laughing?"_ Joker paused to consider that before adding with mild suspicion; "You didn't bother reading up my file, did you?"

**"Tried it,"** Lantern snapped, **"Got bored somewhere around the fourth origin story."**

"Oh, ouch!" Had he any mobility in his arms, the Joker would have pressed a hand to his heart. "Someone's feeling catty, and without the leather suit to match no less! C'mon, Bats would've worked out eighteen different ways to try and crack my nemesis nut by now! Not that any of them'dve worked, but this is just lazy! Interrogate me! Demand to know my plan! Don't be coy!"

**"All right, well?"**

"Well what?"

**"What's your damn plan?"**

"Going right for the grope on the first date? Tsk, come on! Gotta warm me up first! Try a threat!"

**"How about I just drop you from fifty stories up, then?"**

"I always wanted to try skydiving!"

**"Gwargh!"**

* * *

><p>The blonde bombshell moving down one of Gotham's streets had eyes only for the small, black device she clutched in one hand, not even bothering to glare at the whistles and catcalls that greeted her passage. Stinky men. Sure, some've em were kinda cute, but what did cute guys matter when she already knew she'd found her true love, anyway? Nothin', that's what, and she wanted little more at this point than to have him there to snuggle and cling at so everyone could see just how much their lives sucked cause they didn't have-<p>

Her starry-eyed thoughts were rudely interrupted by a harsh 'beep' as the small handheld device flashed urgently, a small arrow lighting up just as she passed by an alleyway. Pausing and fidgiting just a little, the blonde turned at a sharp, ninety-degree angle and slipped into the shadowed alcove; normally a bad idea for so pretty a thing...

But anyone who might have thought to follow her with dark deeds planned would have been in for a nasty shock.

It took her a few minutes of rooting around- the tracking beacon wasn't very accurate- but she finally what she sought in one of the open dumpsters, a joyous squeal passing her lips as she reached inside to pull out... a very familiar, oversized yellow shoe. Bouncing around a little, she quickly reached inside the novelty footwear and began rooting around, soon tugging a small, wrapped bundle that had been taped inside the toe.

"Mista J's gonna be so thrilled! Maybe he'll forget 'bout that lil' boxing-glove-gun thing 'n what I called his tie!" Sighing, the woman popped open her oversized purse and pulled a large white box from within, tugging aside the tattered ribbon and popping open the lid. "Whaddya think, Beats?"

Inside was the token of affection that gorgeous guy had used to win her back... sure, it was starting to smell kinda funky after being in a box for a week, and yeah, it wasn't so much red anymore as green and bloaty, but hey, the thought that counts, right? Perfect white teeth flashing in a big smile, Harley dropped the bundle into the box, closing it and giving it a brief, enthusiastic hug that crumpled the cardboard just a little.

"I'll keep it close t' my heart, Puddin'! You'll see!"

* * *

><p>"Ahhh, Home Sweet Maximum Security Isolation Containment!" As a thoroughly aggrivated Lantern began to slowly lower the chattering villain towards the pavement, medical personnel were already gathering below, the usual full-body restraints prepared. "Gotta thank ya for the lift, Lightbulb! Ever consider getting out of this namby pamby hero work and opening your own airline? 'Fly With Lantern Airlines And Gawk At My Chiseled Jaw!'"<p>

**"Shut. Up."**

"Reading from the Killer Croc manual of comebacks, eh?" The Joker didn't even twitch as he was released from the emerald energy restraints, only to be grabbed by a pair of burly orderlies and none-too-gently shoved into the restraints. "You don't want to know what he uses for ink..."

Anything the increasingly agitated Lantern might have said in reply was cut off by a very familiar, decidedly discomforting voice from directly behind him.

_**"Lantern."**_

The emerald-clad hero nearly jumped in place, but even as he spun around, the delighted Joker cooed out.

"Baaats! Didja miss me, my glorious glowering glee-gobbler?"

**"B-Batman. How did you know we were coming?"**

_**"Watchtower got through." **_Sweeping across the lot, head tilted about as far as the cowl would allow, Batman studied the merry maniac solemnly, starting from his green hair and working downwards. **_"Good you thought of bringing him back to the Asylum... would rather keep him out of the new facility as long as possible. Did he cause any trouble?" _**

**"'Course he did, but wasn't anything I couldn't handl-"**

_**"He's not wearing shoes."**_

Snorting, Lantern gestured to the seated clown, who was by now gleefully watching his own toes wiggle in their mismatched socks. **"The bane of all humanity over there squirmed around too much on the way here and they flew off... considering the size of them, surprised he doesn't lose them ten times a day."**

_**"His shoes fell off... high above the city... and you let them fall to the ground. Uninspected." **_It wasn't a question, and with every word, the Dark Knight's voice grew colder, sharper. _**"Unsearched."**_

**"Well, yeah, I-" **Rayner's reply trailed off as his voice died, bit by bit, his eyes widening. Jaw slackening just a little, his head swiveled between the stoic (yet somehow still glowering) Batman and the Clown Prince of Crime... who had turned his attention from his own feet to grin up at the flabbergasted hero. **"You... YOU..."**

"I tell ya, Bats," the clown chirped cheerfully, "the border security around here is just pathetic! Anyone could smuggle any old thing out these days!"

**"I'm gonna-!" **Mouth working furiously, Lantern's head swivveled from the clown to the Bat once more, even as he spoke hurriedly to the latter; **"Look, I can find the shoes, I know where they fell off, I could sweep the entire block in less than an ho-"**

_**"Go. Away."**_

Suffice to say, Lantern didn't stick around much longer. As the embaressed hero streaked into the air, leaving behind a trail of glittering energy, the Joker turned his cheerful grin to his usual nemesis, waving with one of his restrained hands as he was slowly wheeled back into the Asylum. Just before the massive security doors slid shut, he called out to the Bat one last time;

"So which one w_as _he again?"


End file.
